LGBTQ Family Therapy

As an Affirmative Therapist who specializes in working with the LGBTQ community, I see daily the major issues faced by children, teens and adults who are questioning their sexual orientation and/or gender identity. I also work with LGBTQ couples, and I can see which ones bring significant trauma from childhood. Indeed, family support can be the most important factor in the life of a person coming out as LGBTQ.

And so, I work with children and teens as well as their families as they are going through the coming out process. All of them need support. The kid or teen is facing the anxiety and fear of coming out to their true identity. Parents need as much support. They need to grieve the los of the child as they had planned (and is very unhappy) and open up to the life that child is planning for themselves. Parents also need to learn how to be supportive their child process so that they become more confident and secure adults.

For these reasons, I work with the kids individually to help them overcome their anxiety and fears. And I also work with their families to help them focus on the issues impacting the child or teen coming out.

What parents and caregivers will learn

Parents reaction to a child revealing his or her sexual identity varies from “We suspected it for a while” to “We had no idea!”. Their next reaction is either “What can we do to help?” to “I am having a hard time to accepting it.”

It is important for parents to learn that:

• their support for the child is vital for the child’s future. With their support, they will witness the growth of a mature and happy child.
• they have to grieve the expectations they had for their child.
• this is new territory them and they need to learn the language to talk about it effectively and sensitively with their child.
• they need to learn how to manage their changing emotions and perspectives.
• the child they have loved and lived with and known for years is still the same person.
• During coming out:
  • offer, at the moment of coming out, just a hug and the reassurance that there is still a relationship based on love.
  • remember that, when a kid or teen comes out to the family, he or she has probably been thinking about it and building anxiety about how the coming-out experience will play out and be received. Simply connecting with the teen will help to relieve some of the anxiety and reassure the teen that there is still space for him or her in the family story.
  • in the beginning, parents need to simply listen and support, not share their new emotions with the child, neither give ask them a litany of questions or a list of concerns. If parents are caught completely off guard when a child or teen comes out, it is important to offer loving support and at the same time recognize that they need time to adjust to this new information and process it. And that later they may have some questions and concerns to share, for which no answer may be available.
  • learn more about what it means to be a member of the LGBTQ community beyond stereotypes and popular conceptions. Organizations like PFLAG and GLSEN can be very helpful. As parents become more educated, they can release some of their fears and build a foundation for conversation with their kid.
  • as the process continues, another question that may arise is, “Who gets to know?” The coming-out process is gradual, and the kid should lead the process. Often, a kid will come out to one parent first and ask for it to be kept confidential. (There is no need to force a conversation at this point, just do what the kid ask). Sometimes the kid will come out first to a sibling, friend, relative, or teacher. So I encourage parents to be OK with the fact they may not be the first to know.
  • understand that the kid may need to talk about their sexuality, but that they also are going through the common childhood/ teenage phase issues (school, hobbies, sports, friendships, spirituality). Parents need to be open to talk about all these topics with the child.

 

To schedule an individual or family therapy appointment with Larissa Bustamante, please click HERE.