The word “infidelity” conjures images of an extramarital affair with clandestine meetings. But not all affairs involve physical contact. When someone looks outside their relationship for emotional connection with another person, they can damage their relationship just the same as if they physically cheat on their partner. Because this emotional bond can be very strong, the betrayed partner will still feel shame, pain, anger, and sadness. Emotional affairs cause rifts in relationships that require a deep commitment from both people to repair.
What is Emotional Infidelity?
Emotional affairs have become more common as our lives are dictated more by online interactions. Social media platforms, dating apps, and online messaging services provide new opportunities for people to meet and form connections with others beyond the boundaries of their monogamous relationships. Even workplace relationships and friendships can take on more life in the space of texting or messaging. What starts as innocent chatting within a friendship can gradually evolve into an emotional affair without the two people even realizing it.
This emotional connection can be fulfilling, especially if there are unmet needs within their primary relationship. But over time, as the emotional bond deepens, the person may share intimate thoughts and desires with their newfound confidante. This is typically where the boundaries of a monogamous relationship get crossed.
The telltale signs you’re having an emotional affair are:
- Investing more emotional energy outside the relationship
- Confiding about your relationship with the other person
- Crossing emotional boundaries you’ve agreed upon in your relationship
- Spending more time thinking about the other person
- Flirting and creating sexual tension
- Avoiding talking about the other person with your partner
- Comparing your partner to the other person
- Wanting to keep this outside relationship a secret
How Emotional Infidelity Damages Relationships
1. The primary relationship loses its emotional connection.
As the emotional closeness with the other person deepens, the bond with the primary partner weakens. The betrayed partner most likely feels increasingly distant and disconnected as they notice subtle changes in their partner’s behavior. This emotional distance usually leads to arguments and misunderstandings. This type of conflict also affects their intimacy and further erodes the relationship’s foundation of trust.
2. Emotional affairs are harder to spot.
Because emotional infidelity can fly under the radar, it can last a long time before it’s discovered. After all, there is no actual “stepping outside” the relationship to catch. In fact, even the person who is emotionally cheating on their partner may not realize how far their boundary-crossing has gone. The betrayed partner may even feel gaslit because they may not have any solid evidence of cheating to base their suspicions on. Emotional affairs exist within a gray area of transgression that’s hard to define and come to terms with.
3. Recovery can take a long time
It’s hard to rebuild trust after a deep emotional betrayal. Emotional infidelity destroys trust and respect—two solid foundations of any healthy relationship. The betrayed partner often goes through moments of self-doubt and jealousy. They likely also feel inadequate and wonder why they weren’t enough to fulfill their partner’s emotional needs. These wounds require honest communication to heal.
Healing After Infidelity
If you and your partner are working through an emotional infidelity, there’s hope. Relationships can survive this type of betrayal if both people are willing to put in the effort. Consider seeing a couples therapist. In the neutral setting of a therapist’s office, you can both be honest with one another about the pain you’re feeling and the steps you can take to show your commitment to change. Your therapist will guide you through new ways of connecting and how to set appropriate boundaries after infidelity.
To find out more about how therapy can help you overcome emotional infidelity, please reach out to us.
