Relationship Conflict: When is it Healthy & When is it Toxic?
Every relationship has arguments. They’re an inevitable part of life and partnership. In fact, it’s concerning when two people in a relationship never fight. But there’s a difference between healthy, productive conflicts and conflicts that are the sign of a toxic relationship. Learning to recognize the difference between these argument patterns will help you and your partner communicate better and nurture a more fulfilling relationship.
What does healthy conflict look like?
Healthy couples fight differently than those in toxic relationships. They approach conflict with a goal in mind and may even schedule a time to discuss particularly heavy topics so they can come to the conversation prepared. In a healthy relationship, each person will allow the other time to speak their piece and actively listen. This means asking clarifying questions and repeating what the other person said in their own words. They give space instead of interrupting. In healthy conflict, there’s no room for verbal attacks. Using emotion-based I-focused language keeps the conversation to the facts at hand. These conflicts will result in an action plan, a promise to be better, and a renewed sense that the relationship is strong.
What does toxic conflict look like?
If you’re in a toxic relationship, your arguments will involve disrespecting, attacking, and undermining the other person. As a response to verbal attacks, you’ll probably both become defensive in an attempt to protect your ego. In moments like that, people say hurtful things they regret later. One or both people view conflict as a chance to be right and one-up the other person. When they’re this combative and competitive, you’ll probably feel drained after a conflict.
Eventually, the number and severity of negative moments outweigh the positive ones. When this happens, no conflict will be productive or healthy. You’ll stop working for what’s best for both of you and instead feed on crossing boundaries and creating drama. You’ll find yourself experiencing changes to your mental health and emotional well-being after fighting with or just being around your partner.
Does frequency matter?
Both healthy and dysfunctional couples will argue. We might think of a toxic relationship as having arguments every day, but that’s not necessarily the case. What matters most is whether the conflicts actually solve the problems they’re trying to address. A communicative couple might butt heads about many things in their lives. Still, if they’re approaching conflict from this problem-solving angle while maintaining respect for each other, the frequency doesn’t matter as much.
On the other side, a couple with toxic conflict patterns might not argue all the time. Some people bottle up their emotions and concerns for fear of creating friction. But when that happens, the arguments become more explosive and damaging. If you’re worried about how often you and your partner are fighting, think about how you feel afterward. Also, pay attention to argument patterns. Do you find yourself rehashing the same topics over and over? Do you two never actually resolve your problems, despite arguing often? If so, that could indicate that your conflict isn’t healthy.
How couples therapy can help
Learning to have healthy fights is crucial to a long, fulfilling relationship. This kind of high-stakes communication takes work to get right. If you feel your relationship is sliding into toxic behavior and your conflicts are leaving you drained and unhappy, you might benefit from therapy. A licensed couple’s counselor can work with you both on strengthening your communication skills, approaching conflict with a productive mindset, and setting appropriate boundaries with one another.
To learn more about how therapy can help you and your partner have more healthy conflict, please reach out to us.