What is Emotional Infidelity & How You Can Heal
Affairs don’t always mean someone is having sex outside the relationship. What might have seemed like a harmless friendship outside your relationship could actually evolve into something much more damaging. While some relationships will end after this kind of transgression, other couples can overcome the emotional affair and emerge stronger together. Recovering from emotional infidelity is difficult, and you and your partner will likely need therapeutic guidance to get through it.
What is Emotional Infidelity?
Emotional infidelity, or emotional affairs, is defined as extra-marital relationships that don’t involve sexual contact but have very powerful emotions attached. Sometimes it can be hard to tell when a platonic friendship is crossing the line. For example, it’s perfectly appropriate to vent occasionally to a friend about a communication issue in your relationship. But suppose you find yourself frequently trash-talking your partner and seeking more emotional support from this outside person. In that case, you might be pushing the boundaries of what’s acceptable in your relationship.
Emotional affairs often have these characteristics:
- Looking forward to seeing the friend more than your partner
- Asking for and giving more support to the friend than your partner
- Flirting and sexual tension
- Exchanging personalized gifts
- Keeping significant parts of the friendship a secret
- Sharing intimate details and feelings
You’ll also find that your primary relationship feels rocky. You might be arguing more, miscommunicating, having sex less often, and spending less time together. The defining feature of emotional infidelity is deception. You probably feel like you’re always hiding something.
Strategies for Healing
Push the friend to the back burner
Once you’ve identified that your feelings for this friend are inappropriate, you need to demote their position in your life. You should probably cut them off entirely. Your partner might also ask for this as a condition of staying in the relationship. Creating this distance from your friend will show your partner you’re committed to prioritizing them.
Return to honesty
Again, secrecy is the key feature of an emotional affair. You’ll need to work to undo the deception you’ve been engaging in. Start by being honest with your partner about what’s been going on. Admitting to this misstep and to your commitment to your relationship going forward is the first step to healing from the affair.
Communicate openly
The next step to being honest is checking in with your partner and getting on the same page about how you both feel. Your partner most likely feels insecure, devalued, humiliated, angry, and depressed. You probably feel ashamed and remorseful. Be open and specific about your feelings. Understand that you’ll likely have to account for your time to reassure your partner that you’re prioritizing your relationship. You should both frequently check in about whether your needs are being met and what you can do to support each other.
Rekindle your romance
A key part of falling in love with someone is that everything you do together feels new. As relationships age, that feeling can fall away. When you’re both ready, find something new to do together. Go on a weekend away to somewhere you haven’t been or book a course to try a new hobby. Facing something unknown and fun together will get you back into a romance with your partner.
When to Seek Therapy
If you believe you or your partner are having an emotional affair, it’s best to communicate with one another even if it feels difficult. Many couples choose the neutral location of a therapist’s office to mediate this conflict. Your counselor can also give personalized guidance for recovering from this emotional trauma.
Please reach out to us to find out more about how couples counseling can help your relationship heal from emotional infidelity.
