Keeping up with an active sex life can take effort. For those in long-term relationships, life can sometimes get in the way. Once it’s an issue, sex can become an all-consuming, distressing, and painful topic. But with the right mindset and commitment from both partners, you can repair a sexless relationship.

1. Talk About Sex

A big reason couples let sex go by the wayside is they simply avoid talking about it. What’s bad about this is the longer you go without discussing your sex life, the more awkward it can feel to bring it up. It’s also possible you and your partner have been jumping to conclusions about each other’s sexual desire. Have you actually asked them whether they want sex more frequently? Assuming that one person’s libido has fallen by the wayside can only damage your sex life further.

Instead of letting silence and resentment build, try having regular conversations about the sex you’re having (or not having). If you’re concerned about a particular aspect, don’t wait to discuss it with your partner. In a long-term relationship, scheduling sex is a great way of making sure it becomes a priority in your busy life. Take the opportunity when you’re talking about blocking out time together to have a fully-fledged conversation about your sexual connection.

2. Date Each Other Again

Scheduling sex doesn’t have to feel unsexy. Many couples whose sex lives deteriorate have also lost the spark of an intimate, emotional connection. Turn your sex appointments into dates again. Try out new restaurants together or take up a new hobby just for the two of you. Intimacy grows when people have novel, shared experiences. You and your spouse should prioritize fostering emotional closeness outside the bedroom, too.

3. Find Yourself

Have you been feeling disconnected from yourself? When was the last time you did something just to feel good? It’s hard to have a great sexual connection with someone else without working on yourself as well. Make sure you’re living a life that isn’t completely wrapped up in your partner’s—you should develop your own strong identity. Begin a practice of mindfulness and develop a deep awareness of your body. Take up hobbies—reading, crafting, physical exercise—to better yourself and take time to focus inward. By becoming the best version of yourself, you’ll become the best partner, too.

4. Fix Your Communication

When it comes to sex, usually, one person feels as though their needs aren’t being met. The other partner, who typically turns down their spouse’s bids for sex, feels pressured and misunderstood. This means there’s a breakdown in communication, and each side feels as though they’re being walled off by the other. Start using I-statements about how you feel rather than accusing the other person of certain behaviors. When listening to your partner, give them your full attention mentally and physically turn toward them.

Never insult, shame, blame, or assume anything about the other person. Rather, focus on concrete problems and look for achievable solutions. Part of communicating better means telling one another you’re completely committed to fixing your issue. When you bring up sex with your partner, are you both all in on trying to change? If you’re equally committed, that’s a huge step forward.

Still Struggling in the Bedroom?

If you and your partner can’t resolve your sexual issues alone, it might be time to see a sex-focused couples therapist. In a couple’s therapy session, your therapist will provide insight into where you struggle with communication and how to reach across the aisle. They’ll give you personalized feedback on which aspects of your relationship can be improved and concrete ways of better communicating.

To learn more about how therapy can help you repair a sexless marriage, please reach out to us.