The Effect of Online Infidelity & How to Rebuild Trust
In today’s remote work environment, it’s easier than ever to form online bonds. This presents a new problem for monogamous relationships: the virtual affair. Online infidelity can be as traumatic as an in-person affair. Even though there was no physical contact, rebuilding trust after an online affair looks very similar to overcoming any other infidelity.
What is Online Infidelity?
Online infidelity is similar to emotional infidelity because they both lack the sexual contact typical of an affair. The person having an affair will prioritize their online time, keep secrets from their partner, and neglect their primary relationship. But where emotional infidelity typically happens between friends and coworkers and is not overtly sexual, online affairs can involve sending nude photos, video chatting, and cybersex.
What are the Impacts of an Online Affair?
An online relationship outside the monogamy you agreed to can still have devastating consequences for your primary relationship, even if you never meet face to face. The person having an affair will likely feel guilt, shame, struggle to communicate, and may have difficulty accepting responsibility. The hurt partner will likely suffer from low self-esteem, lose trust in the relationship, experience anxiety and depression, and have difficulty regaining a sexual connection.
What Steps can you take to Rebuild Trust?
Recovering from the shock of online infidelity takes work from both partners. You should both carefully evaluate whether and how you would like to save your relationship.
The Hurt Partner Should:
- Be open to forgiving. Choosing forgiveness is a major step on the way to recovering your relationship. Holding onto resentment forever will only deepen the rift between you. But give it time—forgiveness doesn’t need to happen overnight.
- Listen to your partner’s story. Remember: the affair is not your fault, but it’s possible your partner had unmet needs they found fulfilled online. The relationship can begin to heal when you both acknowledge those needs.
- Be honest about your feelings. Work on using I-statements and describing the hurt to your partner. You’re more likely to communicate effectively if you stay away from accusations.
The Unfaithful Partner Should:
- Own up to your mistakes. Taking responsibility for your infidelity is the first step to you both healing as a couple. If you continue to deny or downplay your role in the affair, you’re only further shutting out your partner.
- Be honest. After taking responsibility, you can begin an honest conversation about your needs and why you sought emotional and sexual release online. Focus on articulating your feelings openly. Don’t be afraid to talk about how the affair met your needs.
- Give up some privacy. You need to work to rebuild trust with your partner. Most likely, that will mean some surveillance of your online activity. While this may not be healthy in the long run, letting your partner see what you’re doing on your phone or computer can let them know you’re serious about the renewed effort you’re putting into your relationship.
- Limit your time online. Part of the draw of an online affair is that it’s so accessible with how much screen time is built into your daily schedule. Setting time aside each day to do something fun with your partner will help pull you away from old habits and limit temptation.
Can Couples Therapy Help?
Sometimes getting past the effects of online infidelity can be too difficult for the couple to go through alone. Counseling can help. A therapist can serve as a neutral mediator to your conflicts and conversations. They can help you learn strategies for rebuilding your trust, communication, and intimacy.
To find out more about how therapy can help you overcome the trauma of an online affair, please reach out to us.
